This column is the latest in the series “Empty the Nest” about raising children in their final years of high school.
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I recently saw a headline in the New York Times that seemed to be the answer to my prayers: “Anxious Parents Need Help.”
Yes, please, I thought to myself, wishing I could acknowledge all the very real forces that can throw any parent into an unsettling mess.
School shootings, declining mental health among teens, continuing debate over the dangers of smartphones, rising costs of college education, expanding restrictions on women's reproductive rights, the housing crisis, the opioid crisis, Such as the fentanyl crisis. And, of course, the climate crisis.
As I prepare to let my third child leave the nest, my own and my parents' anxiety is at its peak. We will accept any offer of assistance possible.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. This article was written by a senior staff psychiatrist at Boston University Health Services and focused solely on parental anxiety that can arise during a child's college experience, particularly during the freshman year.
The author, in as kind and generous a tone as possible, advised parents to just distance themselves and try to remain calm.
These are the words parents hear all the time, when they're not bombarded with all sorts of stories that fit under the heading “The kids aren't okay.” Modern American parents need to stop trying to control every moment of their children's lives and relax.
Isn't that a good thing? Just to let it all go and relax?
To be fair, I plan on relaxing at least a little once I get my third and youngest son into the college of his choice.
(This may be wishful thinking; her current top prospects include three UCs with an average admissions GPA of 4.0, as well as expensive out-of-state schools — the young woman who led the orientation As he told us with a completely straight face — $90,000 a year).
After sending our older children to college, my husband and I decided to let them be free, and it worked out well. That said, I can understand why some parents feel justified in giving their child a girlfriend's VIP college experience when the list price is high. For Boston College, he makes $82,000.
But let's be honest: even the most stoic and diligent parents can suffer from insomnia during the pre-college years.
Because no one is more bombarded with dire warnings, eye-opening criticism, and contradictory information than parents.
We are told over and over again that our children are not doing well. They are depressed, anxious, and hate their bodies. They are dependent on mobile phones, do not know how to make friends, and are poorly literate and numeracy, making them easy prey for sex offenders and brainwashing extremists. They don't want to work, they can't find work, the jobs they find don't bring any benefits, and they can't afford to live near them.
If you try to prevent or alleviate any of the above, you risk being labeled a neurotic, or “helicopter parent.” If you take a more hands-off approach, you will be accused of not engaging or ignoring it.
In some cases, a larger force is recognized: gun violence. Overcrowded schools strip away arts and vocational programs. Racism, sexism, homophobia. The unregulated power of social media may be a contributing factor to what children perceive as a problem.
But more often the parents are responsible in some way.
Either we don't give our children enough free time or we don't monitor their behavior. We either hold too tightly to traditional definitions of success or we put pressure on ourselves to be unconventional. We don't allow them to make mistakes themselves and face the consequences. They also don't catch early signs of problems and provide them with the help they clearly need.
By the way, we do everything ourselves. Research shows that the historic safety nets of extended families and related communities are increasingly frayed by migration and the economic needs of dual-earner families, and nothing is being offered to replace them. .
Even when one can afford to help, leaving a child in day care or “giving up” to a nanny faces inevitable criticism, and these relationships often raise issues of economic disparity, immigration status, and racism. .
And it doesn't end when these little nerds turn 18 or graduate from college. Parents of young people are increasingly being asked to shoulder the rent and down payment, or to force them to become independent while allowing them to return home.
But yes, parents are paranoid control freaks, which makes them anxious.
I love being a parent so much that I mostly ignore the constant criticism. You don't think I should breastfeed in public / I shouldn't send my kids to daycare / I shouldn't give them sleepovers / I shouldn't give them smartphones / Those phones Should we track the location of their phones? Shouldn't enroll them in club sports? Shouldn't we encourage them to get tested for birth control, Narcan, and fentanyl? Hand-held strips? I don't remember asking you.
And if you're not willing to come over to my house and make me a meal or empty this damn dishwasher, I really don't want to hear it.
But over the past few years, I've felt myself wilting, wavering, surrendering to all the research and opinions, and becoming a huge mess.
Perhaps it was the pandemic that traumatized so many people in so many different ways. Maybe it's because my youngest is, and always will be, the baby of the family. However, I find myself struggling with second-guessing.
she looks happy Is that happiness real? She is doing well at school. Does she care too much about her grades? She has a job and participates in extracurricular activities. Is her schedule too busy? She has an active social life. Is it safe wherever she goes? She seems a little depressed. Is she clinically depressed?
It's tiring and a little silly, but I tell myself, “Don't choke at the 1-yard line.” In a few months she will be 18 years old. Within a year, she will be out. But then what?
I'm not a helicopter parent. I've come to hate this word. But I'm feeling anxious now. And you know what? That's totally natural.
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