These days, the language of relationships seems to be wearing blazers, or at least fleece vests.
If you're single and looking to meet someone, it's a good idea to diversify your life portfolio and develop a “robust relational code.” If you have a partner, remember to deposit enough love into your emotional bank account, make sure your relationship contract is overt rather than secret, and feel free to use Agile Her Scrum.
This last term, Agile Scrum, appeared last month in a New York Times article about 20 Polycules (a connected network of non-monogamous people) in Massachusetts. Anne, one of the Polycul members, said on a relationship advice podcast called Multiamory that she had heard the term “adapted from a business meeting model.” Traditionally, this is a management strategy that emphasizes flexibility and regular check-ins. Ann and her husband used it to process the evolution of polyamory together.
The commercialization of relational languages may offer new ways of thinking about dynamics and communication. “We thought it was a really great idea,” says Jace Lindgren, one of MultiAmory's co-organizers. He and his co-host discussed his Scrum concepts on the Agile podcast after reading a blog post from a software developer who used Agile Scrum in his marriage.
The method seemed promising, Lindgren explains, given that it was developed by “people who spent a lot of time figuring out what works reliably in a variety of situations.”
Not everyone was equally enthralled: Lindgren and his fellow podcast hosts later released their own relationship framework (in the form of a monthly relationship check-in) called Radar, because, he says, “some people, especially those working in software, are like, 'I don't want Agile Scrum anywhere near me,' 'It's so annoying at work.'
Understandably, some people have mixed feelings about the introduction of jargon into their relationships. On the other hand, experts say it can help individuals better understand emotional concepts that might otherwise feel abstract. On the other hand, concepts designed to make workplaces run more efficiently don't always meet the challenge of dealing with troubling emotions.
Carrie Cole, Ph.D., research director at the Gottman Institute, which studies relationships and trains couples therapists, said she has recently noticed that relationships are increasingly being used to describe relationships in corporate conversations. talk. Part of the reason, she suggests, is that many workplaces are trying to encourage healthier communication.
“The business world has put a lot of emphasis on how we communicate with each other,” she says. In contrast, “for a long time it was difficult for people to talk about their relationships.”
As a result, many people feel more comfortable talking about work than talking about how they're feeling, she says.
For some, work terminology helps frame relationships as a valid area for growth. Dr. Jessica Gold, founder of Bliss Science, is a relationship coach for men, especially men in the tech industry. She says using the language of the technology world to explain emotional or relational concepts makes clients feel more open to developing those skills.
There is a sense in many of these circles that working on your career or business is normal and admirable, but working on your relationships and emotional life is often considered uncouth and weak. she says.
Nicole Holliday, Ph.D., assistant professor of linguistics at Pomona College, says that even if you're comfortable talking about your emotional life, metaphors are a useful learning tool. Images and stories stick in our brains more firmly than theoretical concepts.
Think about your emotional bank account. According to the Gottman Institute, you can invest in your relationships the same way you invest in your bank account. But instead of money, what you're depositing and withdrawing are positive and negative interactions. Positive interactions increase your emotional bank account, while negative interactions shrink it.
The idea that you should have a positive rather than a negative relationship with your partner isn't exactly rocket science. But when you think about your emotional bank account, you're reminded of a physical object, so those words are more likely to stick with you than simply telling yourself to be nice to your partner, Holliday says.
However, before you throw office talk at your lover, it's important to determine whether they understand what you mean and whether you're okay with using these terms. Business terminology is a useful abbreviation, but Cole says it can be alienating if the person you're talking to isn't familiar with or familiar with the terminology.
Corporate speeches, like their supposed cousin, therapy speeches, “use language that's associated with authority and therefore can claim a degree of authority,” Holliday says. To the audience, this can feel like the jargon is “being weaponized,” she says. Not exactly a recipe for constructive conversation.
What's more, Cole points out, businesses aren't built to deal with emotions. Communicating in a way designed to increase efficiency and productivity isn't necessarily the best way to deepen relationships.
“Business conversations are typically devoid of emotion, and personal relationships are built on emotion,” she says. So when couples rattle off company terms without discussing their feelings, “they're ignoring a very important part of the conversation,” she says.
“You can't have loving, warm, connected, and intimate relationships if you try to exclude emotions, whether positive or negative,” Cole added.
So what does this mean? Is the commercialization of relationships a harbinger of the emotional ruin that HR has trained us to be?
Probably not. While the dating and romance world may be facing many challenges right now, Holliday says, language evolution is “not unique.”
“When we come up with a word that we feel expresses our opinion well in one area, we've always transferred it to other areas,” she says.
She uses the word “boundary” as an example. Previously, this word referred to the limits of a geographical area, but eventually people realized that it could also refer to emotional limits. “This is a really common phenomenon,” she says.
But when it comes to boundaries, Holliday says it makes sense to limit the use of corporate language in the home, adding, “We don't necessarily have boundaries between our work lives and the rest of our lives.'' I don't want to have a habit that I don't have.”