- I always assumed the role of a typical mother in my family.
- But when my partner changed to a woman, I had a hard time seeing her as another mother to my children.
- After some adjustment and growth, we now call her MoMa. Because we think it's the perfect fit for us.
I was surprised when a friend of mine wished both of us Happy Mother's Day after my husband transitioned to female and became his wife. I gradually accepted and celebrated all of my wife's changes, from her pencil skirts and kitten heels to her newfound peace of mind and confidence.
But I wasn't ready to think about how our roles as parents, and my identity as a mother, would change during the transition. A stubborn, selfish voice inside me said, “I'm the mother. She's not the girlfriend!”
I am the birth mother of my children, and I sheltered them in my body and nursed them for several difficult months. My spouse was a dad until they were 8 and 2, and he was a typical dad in many ways: pillow fights, rough house, stupid guy. Mothers prepare food, provide support, and keep the family on schedule.
Additionally, there are social pressures on mothers to be the controllers of all family activities, from dentist appointments to dance recitals, and to anticipate conflicts such as school closures. Her Mother's Day promises to be grateful for all the things we do, the token gestures of pampering ourselves and the invitations to self-care.
But the gender transformation in our family turned everything upside down. We were ready to doubt everything.
The role of spouses in children's lives has changed
I've always felt a little anxious about Mother's Day. Because I feel like Mother's Day reinforces the idea that mothers can do everything. I love stepping up and taking credit, but I also love sharing the wealth. Gender or gender does not make a person more capable of managing a household. Anyone can do it with practice and effort. Still, I found myself clinging to traditional roles, even when my then-husband offered to help me and make me feel safe. A part of me felt incomplete unless I was fulfilling the role of a typical mother.
When Stephanie started hormone treatment in the summer of 2021, her skin and mental landscape softened. She felt lighter and less burdened by her shame, which gave her more mental space to record her children's field trip permission slips and Spanish quizzes. She worked from home and became the children's primary caregiver. I delegated more and more responsibility to her.
When I filled out my emergency contacts on my daughters' school papers, I remember whispering, “What should I call?” Biologically she is a father, but her gender is still evolving.
“How about 'parent'?” Stephanie suggested, and we both agreed that was the most comfortable. Initially, it felt a little strange to introduce Stephanie as “my children's other parent” to school officials and neighborhood families, but it became easier as time went on.
Mother's Day was a mess
On the second Mother's Day after the transition, Stephanie gave me flowers as usual. I gave her nothing and felt terrible. Wasn't she entitled to flowers? Why couldn't we honor her today? But the thought of letting go or cutting her off from her important role as her mother felt a stinging sense of loss.
That Father's Day, I gave her a gentle pink arrangement of peonies and said, “I don't understand why we're celebrating in June instead of May.” I started crying. “What should we do? How should we celebrate something?”
Stephanie gave me a comforting kiss on the forehead. She loved her peonies and handmade cards from her 3 year old. Did it matter whether we called it Father's Day or Mother's Day in June? Why couldn't we remake the day to suit our family?
When my daughter's preschool teacher asked how Stephanie should be recognized on Father's Day, I told her to write “Happy Parents Day” on the card. When Stephanie happily opened the card, her daughter was thrilled and proud of her crayon doodles. It didn't matter what was written on the card. All that mattered was that her beloved parent be recognized.
The first Sunday of November each year also marks Transparent Day, which was established in 2009 to commemorate Transparent's contributions. Our family has three of her days on the calendar to celebrate ourselves. I celebrate Father's Day today not because I identify as a father, but because there is a part of us all who can be both mothers and fathers to our children.
We are still finding our place in our children's lives
I have watched Stephanie grow and thrive as a parent over the past few years. She is now the full mother of our children. When I wondered what her children should call her, I Googled Transparent's name and pulled up examples such as “Maddie,” a mix of her mother and father.
Then, after experimenting with different “M” letters, they came up with the idea of ​​calling Stephanie “MoMA” after the acronym for New York's Museum of Modern Art.
MoMa is a perfect fit for Stephanie. Because she is an artist, a mother, and a support and home base for her children. Having a partner who is a nurturing homebody makes me feel more free and able to explore other parts of my identity in the world. Ideally, you would switch and swap roles as needed throughout the day. Being a mother is one of the greatest life experiences, so I'm greedy to keep it to myself.
I'm Mom and she's MoMa, so we have a lot to celebrate.