By the age of 40, Lynne Strathdee had perfected her ability to do and say exactly what others wanted, but it was destroying her. This is a classic example of “echoism.” Echoism is a trending term associated with therapy that combines suppressing one's needs and desires to please others and fear of being seen as one is.
For example, Straddee says her career was propelled by others. “Promotions and promotions, I never wanted a job like that. When I went to an interview, I know it sounds arrogant, but I always got the job because I “I was always unconsciously taking into account the needs of others,” says Strathdee, who was working in education in England at the time. “I find it very easy to know exactly what the other person wants from me in that moment.”
In theory, this career advancement was a good thing, but it caused confusion. “Within 12 months, you're like, 'I can't do this anymore, I feel like I'm putting on a show,'” she says. “It was miserable, but in a weird way because it wasn't an outright self-destruction. We weren't having heated arguments.” Instead, she said, “It was like a principal who wanted to become a vice principal.” , I ended up quitting because I could no longer maintain the persona I had adopted to please someone else. Not that she knew what she actually wanted to be. The echoist may feel that she has no real desires of her own.
As Strathdee explains on her TikTok account, which she started as part of her recovery process, echoists act as “echo chambers,” never speaking their thoughts and feelings, but instead expressing what they're projecting. to reflect back to someone. In one video, she uses the analogy of her face and a mirror, “If you remove her face, the mirror becomes useless,” she says.
Echoism is often described as the opposite of narcissism, an everyday personality disorder. Narcissists crave and feed off of the attention of others, while echoists feed the former's ego at the expense of themselves. Strathdee said on-screen examples of this can be seen in popular Netflix shows. baby reindeerShe said that her character, Donnie, is someone who is “there but not really there”, characterized by “a palpable sense of one's own inadequacy” that is characteristic of echoists. I'm explaining.
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Strathdee, who is about to qualify as a therapist, says she has always known that there was “something seriously wrong with me” when it comes to the inner beliefs and characteristics that make up our identity. She grew up with “deeply loving” parents in a “deeply” Roman Catholic environment, an environment that involved “a lot of guilt and blame, where self-deprecation and self-deprecation were common.” It is worthy of praise.” In her teenage years, Ms. Strathdee developed what she calls a “very critical, really self-deprecating superego,” which led her into a series of unhealthy relationships with men. lead.
At some point, Strathdee began to suspect that she had borderline personality disorder. Borderline personality disorder is characterized by an ambiguous sense of self, fear of abandonment, and a persistent sense of emptiness. She saw a psychologist and was told that was not the case. It wasn't until she chanced upon the work of Dona Christina Savery, a prominent researcher in echoism, that she was able to express in her own words what she had felt all her life.
Strathdee recognized in himself many of the characteristics of an echoist. It's the fear of being seen as narcissistic or selfish, the tendency to subconsciously signal others to ignore you, and the attraction to people who steal the spotlight from you.
You may be wondering, “But don't many women act outgoing?” Strathdee agrees, which is why he refutes the assumption that echoists have narcissistic parents and are the reason they are the way they are. “If you're an echo player, your needs aren't being met by your parents. But that could be for a variety of reasons,” she says, drawing on her research and experience. “It could be culture, it could be patriarchy, it could be the religion or country you grew up in.” See also: the age-old adage that “children should be seen, not heard”; Or the expectation that little girls should be nice and quiet in a way that is not expected of their siblings.
“Echoism is an early relationship failure, not necessarily a malicious failure,” Straddey says. “You may have a mother who has severe depression or has a traumatic attachment. In that case, when the baby or toddler expresses their needs, the mother becomes overwhelmed by it and instead expresses her needs to the baby. You give away what you want.'' Over time, the child learns that it is safest to reflect his needs rather than express them.
She had never heard of the term echoist before, and it wasn't even in the DSM, a reference book used by mental health professionals, but these traits were described by Toronto's Beaches Therapy Group. It was well known to owner Laura Devlin, a clinical psychologist.
“It reminds me of the ‘faun response,’” says Devlin, explaining the fourth option of the familiar “fight, flight, or freeze” trauma response. “If you think about a child growing up in a home where parents are unpredictable, rejecting, or abusive, one of the most effective strategies for staying connected to them is the faun response. It's something to be happy about, and it doesn't create or cause trouble.'' You can be a “good'' child even if you have problems or don't have what you need. ”
To her, echoism makes sense as a response to narcissism. “Narcissists have deep feelings of inferiority and shame that they can barely touch,” she says. “They can't stand feeling worthless and have strong reactions to people who don't give them work or who don't agree with them.” If you grow up with a narcissistic parent, They may adapt to agreeing with their parents on everything as a survival strategy. Although not very common, Devlin has witnessed this in people who had relationships with narcissists later in life. “They may start to have some of these traits, but if they have a healthy, grounded education that makes them feel seen, heard and cared about, is much less likely to penetrate that far.”
“It's almost a pathologically exhibitionist behavior where you don't feel safe being seen or standing out in any way.”
Echoism is a stage of infatuation where you like everything the other person likes in order to please others (where you are aware of their own wants and needs but do not act on them) or to feel a sense of closeness. is not the same as To them. “This is almost pathologically exhibitionist behavior where people don't feel safe being seen or visible in any way,” Devlin said. “They may feel more comfortable raising their hand in class, being assertive with their employer, or voicing their opinion on something with their friends.”
You may feel very anxious or concerned about other people's reactions to you. “They may not even know what their emotions are because they're so outwardly focused,” Devlin says. “These people ignore emotional information and may become resentful or withdraw from relationships.”
For example, an echoist might abandon a friendship altogether rather than confront a friend about something because disagreement causes too much anxiety. “If it gets too deep, it can prevent you from building a real relationship, and that requires a certain level of openness and vulnerability.”
In the darkest embodiment of echoism, a person is susceptible to an abusive or toxic relationship with a narcissist. “This is also especially harmful if you have children at home, where you don't have the choices to protect not only yourself but others,” Devlin says. If you're used to playing the role of pacifier, you may not realize how much danger you're putting yourself in.
Devlin sees this as a spectrum, with “very prevalent” being less common. “Therapy is a great place to heal and recover from this, because in therapy you have to ask yourself, 'How do I feel about this?'” she says. Unlike narcissism, which tends to be a fixed personality disorder, Devlin describes it as a “set of traits,” and that “as you bring it into consciousness and start acting in new ways and paying attention to emotional information, ”I think it can be solved.
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If you notice echoism in your own behavior, Devlin cautions against pathologizing yourself. “Don't say, 'This is my problem, I'm broken,'” she says. “Rather, think of it as a very helpful adaptation that you need to get through certain situations. And now that you have the opportunity to build a stronger relationship with yourself, you can have hope.'' “You learn that you are lovable,” she says. “Because at the end of the day, you don't feel like you're getting love and affection unless you're completely happy and consenting all the time. Little by little, especially with the help of a therapist if possible, Much healing is possible.”
This is Lynn Strathdee's experience. Her presence on TikTok is an “practice of grandeur” and that she is not shy about attracting attention. She believes that raising her awareness about echoism will lead to recovery for many like her. “Realizing that she was an echo player changed her life because she understood exactly what was wrong and was able to focus completely within herself,” she says. say. “It would also disenfranchise many narcissistic individuals who know exactly who they are, have very strong boundaries, and who can live without being abused. It is very difficult to abuse someone who feels.”